Recognizing An Abusive Relationship

In spite of what many women may believe, abuse of any kind in a relationship isn’t acceptable. It’s NOT normal and doesn’t mean love. If you’re in a relationship where your partner goes off on tangents because you’ve set the dinner table incorrectly, he’s probably abusive. There are some things that you need to understand about what constitutes abuse and what doesn’t.

For one thing, you should let your feelings guide you in certain instances. If you’re afraid all the time and you walk on eggshells around your partner for fear of setting him off, you’re probably in an abusive relationship. No one should ever have to live that way and certainly not with someone that’s supposed to love them. On the other hand, if your feelings are telling you that you’re a horrible wife or girlfriend and you DESERVE the various punishments that come your way for imagined wrongs, then you DON’T need to listen to yourself. You need to seek some help for those feelings of worthlessness.

Abuse comes in many forms and it’s important to recognize them. Obviously, if your partner is hitting you, it’s abuse. However, sometimes it’s not quite cut and dried. Mental and verbal abuse can be just as serious. The scars may not be physically visible but they’re in places that can affect you throughout your entire life. For example, being told over and over again how worthless you are and how you can’t do anything right may not SEEM like a huge deal until you realize that you’re starting to believe this about yourself.

Other men will do everything they can to convince their partners that if they leave, the worse things they ever feared would happen to them will, indeed, come to pass. Yes, these abusers don’t leave physical marks, but they ARE just as dangerous to the quality of your life as the ones that lash out with their fists or weapons.

Men that abuse the women they proclaim to love are, simply put, monsters. They’re weak, petty, insecure, cowardly little creatures that feel the only way they can keep a woman with them is through a show of force. If they can control every move these women make, then they’ll never be alone because the women are too terrified to leave. Now, isn’t that a wonderful way to conduct a relationship? These men truly believe that they can FORCE women into loving them. Well, fear and love aren’t the same.
There are a few ground rules that you should remember in order to keep yourself out of abusive relationships. First, NO ONE has the right to beat you into submission. You should never feel afraid of the one who is supposed love you, and if you are, it’s time to leave and figure out why. An abusive relationship is NOT better than being alone. If you’re alone, you’ve got a better chance of leading a quality life, whereas, with an abuser, you’ll never have that.

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Just remember that abuse is NOT love and that it never will be. Abuse is about control, power, and cruelty. It’s also about danger. Be brave and get out if you’re in a relationship like this. There ARE people that will help and protect you while you build a new life.

Marriage: Learning To Love

Todays article Marriage:  Learning To Love  is essential to any relationship based on love. I think about the words from the bible: Luke 6:38 Give, and it shall be given unto you. Thats particularly true when it comes to love, it is so easy to expect a lot of things but the best way is to give. When you love somebody you will feel a will to give and do the best for that person so it kind of come naturally. The problem starts when we tend to focus to much on our selves and what we want. Every day and in every way there are things to learn and grow from so i hope this article will be your lesson for today;)

Light and Love

My daughter was recently in her school’s performance of Fiddler On TheRoof. She was one of the daughters. If you don’t know the story, it focuses on the changing culture of marriage, from one where the marriage is arrainged by family and community to one based on mutual attraction.

In one of the songs, the main character asks his wife if she loves him. She replies that for 25 years, she has shared his bed, made his meals, tended his house, raised his children — so what kind of question is that? The point is that in their relationship, love wasn’t even a question or consideration. But after some back-and-forth, they decide that, indeed, they love each other.

This led me to think about what I know about marriage. And here is what I think about the question of love and marriage: we fall in love to get together, then spend the rest of our lives learning to love the other.

You see, the initial attraction is really about “I.” “I” feel a certain way, so I know I am “in love.” But that part of the relationship is driven by my need to feel that way, my need to be with the other person, my need to have my needs met. My needs are fueled by my desire to feel the intense emotion of “being in love.”

But in reality, love is a verb, something I do for the other. So, it takes the rest of my life to learn how to attend to my spouse’s needs. From my desire to be with my spouse comes my desire to meet my spouse’s love needs.

We are “fooled” into commitment by the overwhelming feeling of attraction, and then we have to put forth effort to create a sustained relationship. I say “fooled” because our culture has us believing that this love is the foundation of a relationship. It is not. It is merely a temporary starting point. It is not the destination. It is just a part of the journey to a lifetime relationship.

Those intense feelings will calm over time. The overwhelming need to be with someone that marks the infatuation portion of a relationship is not sustainable on its own. It’s like placing a flame in a bottle. Eventually, the flame will burn all the oxygen in the bottle and be extinguished.

So, there has to be some “fueling of the fire.” This is “love,” the verb. When I act in loving ways, I fuel the fire and keep it burning. If I stop tending to the other’s needs because I don’t feel that infatuation, the relationship will slowly (or not so slowly) die away.

When we continue to believe that “love” (infatuation) is the heart of a relationship, when that feeling is gone, we believe we are no longer in love. That is not the case; we have just failed to fuel the fire.

Reality TV has proven that any two people, given the right circumstances and settings, can fall into love (chemistry of infatuation). But story after story shows that it is harder to make the switch to “true love” that comes from action. Choose action, and don’t be fooled by chemistry.

By acting on love, by making love a verb and not an emotion, we keep the emotional fire stoked. And that is the great irony: if we depend on the feeling of being in love to keep us together, it will fail. But if we set that aside and focus on being loving, the feeling of being in love is sustained. Mature love is a verb, not an emotion.

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