Best Ways To Get Her Back Quiz: Mending My Broken Heart

It is Okay to Mourn

Grief requires mourning.  Give yourself permission to get over the relationship.  Call in sick to work if you need to.

Write a letter to your ex spilling out all of the hurt you have.  It is okay for this letter to run pages and pages long.  But don’t send it.  Instead, when you have poured out your heart on paper, burn it.  This will help you bring closure to the relationship.

You may also want to create a “divorce ceremony” to help you bring closure to the relationship.  Just as the bride and groom take two separately lit candles and together light a unity candle to signify their new union at a wedding, you can create a divorce ceremony that signifies your new single state.  Your ex may wish to join you in this ceremony or you can do it yourself.

Congratulate Yourself on Being Human

Part of being human is experiencing the hurts of everyday life.  Life hurts – but there are great parts too.  Acknowledging that there is both pain and joy in life will help you appreciate the human experience more.

You may want to develop a helpful mantra to help you get through this stage in your life.  A mantra is a mind tool which is used like a barbell for the mind.  You repeat a short phrase frequently to help you develop that mindset.  You might say “I am a lovable person” to yourself with a great frequency – especially when you are feeling unlovable.

During this time, you should reach out to a close friend or family member for support.  Your ex was a big part of your support system prior to the break up.  Because he is no longer there, you need to strengthen the other facets of the support system you have in place.

You also need to remember what is good about you.  Make a list of the things you offer a potential partner.  If you are loving, giving, and an easy conversationalist, dwell on these things rather than the fact that your ex didn’t want you anymore.

Also, remember that it’s not always about you.  Your ex had other things going on in his life that were independent of whatever you brought to the relationship.  When he said “it’s not you, it’s me,” maybe it was.

Finally, honor how you are feeling.  Don’t dismiss your emotions quickly just because they are uncomfortable.  Part of being human is to have these hard emotions.  They help you grow.

Next Article in this series of article on "Mending My Broken Heart" will continue tomorrow

Best Ways To Get Her Back:Article 3 In Communication

Best Ways To Get Her Back Quiz

Observe the body language and gestures that the speaker makes.  It is not unusual for words to convey one message and body language to signal another.  When there is a disconnect between words and body language, you should ask what is really going on.

Here’s a primer to some common body language:

• Arms crossed across chest – this protective posture often means that the person is feeling anxious or nervous.  He may also be protecting himself from perceived verbal attack.

• Hands in pockets – he may be restraining himself from certain actions or words.

• Clenched fist – very angry at the situation.

• Exposes palm to you – open to what you are saying

• Looks at you in the eye – interested in you and attracted to you.

• Mirroring body language – agrees with you.

Magic of Making Up 

You should also aim to be an empathic listener.  If you are an empathic listener, you will be able to identify with the speaker.  This means that you have to truly pay attention.  A conversation where two people are expressing their viewpoints without listening and responding is ineffective.  One test of this is if your response is formed before the other person has finished speaking, you are not being an empathic listener.

Watch your own body language as well when you are listening.  If your legs are crossed and arms are folded protectively across your chest, you are probably not open to your partner’s message.  If you are relaxed and leaning slightly toward the speaker, you are encouraging communication with your body language.

In the vacation example at the beginning of this section, imagine what would have happened if the conversation had gone like this:

Wife: I want to go to Hawaii on vacation.

Husband: Hmm.  I’ve been thinking about vacation too.  But, I’ve been leaning more toward a big city.  I’d like to see New York.

Wife: Hmm.  New York, huh.  I know there’s a lot to do there a lot to do there, but I kind of need the relaxation of the beach this summer.

Husband: I understand that.  You’ve been pretty stressed and New York’s not a restful place.  But, you know, I’ve been really wanting to check out the new Yankee stadium, especially in the opening season.

Wife: Well, American Airlines has a discount on airfares right now.  Maybe we can do Hawaii on a budget and then you and your brother can make a weekend trip to New York to see the Yankees later in the summer.

In this case, both parties are listening to each other and may be able to come to a satisfactory solution to their needs.

Article 4 in this series picks up on "Giving Feedback and Showing Appreciation" tomorrow, same time, same place.
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Article 2 and Continuation of Article 1 on Communication

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Where Article 1 left off:

Don’t fall into the trap of accusing your partner of things.  Instead, tell them what you need.  Here’s two scenarios:

1.) You always leave the toilet seat up.
2.) I need you to put the toilet seat down.


When you use the second statement, you don’t accuse your husband of anything, you simply state a need.  This is far less threatening.

These are so called “I” statements.  When you say what you need rather than tell your partner that he has deficiencies, you are more likely to get him to cooperate.  Why put him on the defensive?  Instead, allow him the opportunity to please you.

Another tip is to frame your questions so your partner can answer them with the information you need.  If you have a “strong silent type” for a partner who likes to give “yes” and “no” answers, this is a useful communication technique.

Consider the following two scenarios:

1.) Do you want to go to the barbeque this weekend?
2.) I’m getting the idea that you don’t want to go to the barbeque.  Can you tell me why not?

The first statement will elicit a yes or no answer that doesn’t give you any good information.  The second asks for your partner’s reasoning process.

Direct communication means that you don’t drop hints, cajole, say one thing when you mean another, and engage in verbal manipulation.  All of these are barriers to clear understanding.  When you communicate indirectly, you will undoubtedly have misunderstandings and resentments because neither person feels understood or accepted by the other.

Magic of Making Up

Active Listening

Consider this conversation:

Wife: I want to go to Hawaii on vacation.

Husband: I want to go to New York instead.

Wife: The beaches in Hawaii are so beautiful.

Husband: Not only are there great tourist sights to take in during the day, we can go to Broadway shows at night.  Also, I’d love to take in a game at the new Yankee stadium.

Wife: American Airlines has a special on flights to Hawaii right now.

This couple is just talking past each other.  They might as well go on separate vacations for all their conversation is worth.

As important as it is to say what you want, it is also important to hear what your partner is saying.  In a conversation, you shouldn’t be just waiting for a time to get your next word in.  You should try to understand what your partner is saying.

Part of this is merely courtesy.  Once you have had the opportunity to state a position, your partner has the right to state his.  It is only in the give and take that you can find a position that makes sense in terms of the larger relationship.  Active listening means that you process what your partner is really saying.

And this goes beyond mere words.  Observe the body language and gestures that the speaker makes.  It is not unusual for words to convey one message and body language to signal another.  When there is a disconnect between words and body language, you should ask what is really going on.

Article 3 in this series of article on communication will go into "Body Language".

Ps. Give yourself break up and make up advice from the man that has helped over 51 000 people in 77 countries;)

Article 7 Concludes The Series of Articles on From Making Up to Breaking Up

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Bring Closure to the Relationships

Think about how many ceremonies we have to mark important life events – baptism of a baby, Bar Mitzvah, Graduation, Marriage, and even Funerals.

Breaking up with someone special is a major life event. Yet there are no ceremonies to mark it. So, in order to bring closure to a relationship, you may have to create your own.

Here's one that has worked for many people.

Write a long letter to your ex about how you felt about him or her and the relationship you shared. You can include the good times and the bad. You can talk about your love and your hurt.

But when you're done, don't send the letter. Instead, light a candle and slowly burn the letter. You'll feel that the relationship is truly over when you do this.

Best Ways To Get Her Back

Move On

After a relationship is over, you may feel like sitting around in your room eating Ben and Jerry's and playing sad songs. But, it is important that you get back into the swing of life as a single person.

Go to family events and make a point of going out with friends. Don't dwell on the past. When someone brings up your ex, say “thanks, but I'm moving on now.”

You now have time to pursue activities and interests that your ex didn't care for. So, plan to take a class, join a group, or get involved with something meaningful. Not only will this fill the hours you used to spend with your ex, it will also give you a sense of renewed purpose. Additionally, you will meet new people at a time when you may feel that you are all alone.

Join a gym – and actually use the membership! Working out will make you feel better if you are slightly depressed. You'll also begin to look better which will make you a more attractive candidate to the opposite sex.

Because soon, you will be joining the dating pool again. Don't worry if the first person who asks you out doesn't seem to be a candidate for the love of your life. Just go and enjoy yourself. It will be good practice for when you meet someone really attractive to you.

You will know that you are over your ex when you fall in love again.

Conclusion

A break up may or may not be the end of a relationship. How you handle the break up may determine whether you can get back together or not.

If getting back together is a priority, don't wreck the process by being too eager. Be casual. As you do get back together, focus on fixing what went wrong. Also, step back and ratchet your relationship down a notch. These two things will give you a better chance of getting the relationship back on the right track.

If the relationship is truly over, there is a mourning process which is natural. But the sooner you can move on the better. That's why you should bring closure to the relationship. Sort out what's yours and what is your ex's. Then, re-enter the social scene as a single man or woman.

Relationships can bring much joy to our lives. On the flip side, they can bring pain. I wish you much luck as you sort out breaking up to making up.