Conclusion of Articles on Single Parent Dating Tips

Put Your Kids First

When you are a parent, your kids come first.  No matter what.  If a child’s soccer game conflicts with your new love’s company picnic, you should be at the game.  Don’t skip a concert performance for a night on the town.

One of the things your kids will be looking for when you start a new relationship is whether you still care about them.  They are going to be jealous of the time you spend with the new man or woman thinking (perhaps rationally) that it takes time away from them.

That’s why it is so important to put your kids’ “big events” ahead of your new love’s.

Beyond specific events, you need to put your kids’ needs above the new person’s.  That may make things less romantic, but it’s part of being a parent.

If you are a single parent who only sees your children on weekends, you need to make it very clear to your new partner that these visitation times are for the children and they are not to schedule things with you or that conflict with the kid’s time.

Finally, you should always consider your children’s health, emotional welfare, and safety when you make any decisions about your relationship.  You’ll never forgive yourself if something bad happens because you didn’t put your children first.

But Don’t be a Martyr

Having said that your kids have to come first, you also should know that you shouldn’t be a martyr to them. 

Don’t use your kids as an excuse to avoid intimacy. 

If you are a martyr to your kids, you will sabotage any chance you have at finding true love.

The balancing act between putting your kids’ needs first and making space in your life for a new love is one of the hardest things for single parents who start dating to do.

Your New Love and Your Ex

One of the hard things about starting a new relationship is letting your ex know you are dating again.  If he or she is still in pain from the divorce, letting them know that you have moved on may be painful.

But, as hard as it may be, you need to let your ex know that you are dating again and that someone special has entered your life.

You should also take care to not use your new love as a weapon against your ex.  While it may be tempting to let your ex know that you’ve moved on, it’s unfair to use a date as a weapon. Your children will no doubt mention that you’re dating when they are with their other parent, and that’s fine. Don’t ask them to keep it a secret or they will feel like you are doing something wrong. Simply let things take their course, and answer their questions honestly.

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Blended Relationships

In many cases, both partners in a relationship have kids of their own.  It’s the whole “Brady Bunch” scenario. 

It is important for your children to be properly introduced to his or her children because it sets the tone for how the group will get along in the future.

While an adult can absorb bad behavior on your children’s part, a kid has a hard time.

You should also know that your kid is going to be stressed about meeting people who could become their siblings.  There are a variety of ways that this stress is played out.  Often, one child will start to bully another child.

While you may have some tolerance for bad behavior toward an adult figure that comes into the relationship because you naturally assume an adult can handle it, you should have zero tolerance for bad behavior toward another child.

You should also have zero tolerance for allowing your new love’s children to bully yours.

Remember, a new relationship is hard on the kids.  Adequately preparing them emotionally for all of the new bonds that are being made is of paramount importance.

Don’t Let Your Kids Dominate Your Dates

Separate out your dating life.  Some dates will be “family dates” where you include the kids.  But, other dates will be “grown up dates” and the kids don’t come along.

Or do they?

Too often, a single parent spends a lot of their dating conversation talking about their kids.  While this may seem natural because your kids are such an important part of your life, it can crowd out the important bonding between two people.

So, try to limit the talk about how “charming” or “dreadful” your kids are and focus on the other person.  Talk about things and interests you have in common.  Try to allow the other person to talk as well.

While you love your kids and they are the most important part of your life, your new relationship cannot be based solely on them.  You have to have an “adult” component to the relationship as well.

Therefore, you shouldn’t bring your kids along – even in conversation only – on adult dates.

When Relationships Dissolve

You may have done everything right.  You:

- developed a social life so the children wouldn’t notice when you started to date
- when you started to date, you kept the children in the dark until you were in a committed relationship
- prepared your children for the introduction to your new love well
- reassured your children that you love them every bit as much despite falling in love with another adult
- facilitated the development of the relationship between your children and your partner

Thus, your children have fallen in love with your partner much like you did.

But, then something went wrong in the relationship.  You no longer see a future together and you want out.

How do you break it to the children?

First of all, be compassionate.  Remember that they have already seen one relationship fall apart (yours with their other parent) and may see your break up as further indication that they can’t expect the adults in their lives to stick around.  This is the worst case scenario.

Therefore, you have to be compassionate about the break up.  If they want to occasionally see or phone your old love, facilitate that.

But you shouldn’t stay in a relationship “for the kids” either.  That’s a bad reason to stay in a marriage and an even worse reason to stay in a dating relationship.

Change and loss are part of life, things everyone has to deal with. If a particular bond is really strong, perhaps there's a way for that adult and child to maintain a connection.  But, don’t stay in a relationship that has run its course just because of that attachment.

Conclusion

Dating after a divorce is tough because the children need a strong adult presence in their life.  Instead of having two parents in the home, they have two homes with one parent in each.

There are also challenges to actually dating when you have kids.  You have to balance your romantic life with your family life.

Before you jump into any relationships, you need to think through what your plan of attack is.  Make sure you have prepared your children for what’s coming next before the occasion arises.

Before you had kids, dating was much simpler.  The demands on your time were simpler.  The emotional demands were simpler as well.

Concluding Article on Your Pretty Princess Wedding on a Pauper’s Budget

Seven Hidden Budget Killers

There are some things that Brides just don’t know to budget for ahead of time.  This means that when they get back from the honeymoon, they are faced with unexpected bills to start their married life.  Here are seven hidden budget killers to watch out for.

• Band Equipment – When you get a quote from the band, it will include the musicians’ time and the basic equipment.  But if your venue is large, extra speakers and microphones might be required which can potentially tack on thousands of dollars to the cost.  Before booking your band or DJ, explain the venue set up and get a firm cost for performing there.

• Gown Alterations – When you select your wedding dress, the price of the alterations is not included.  Simply re-hemming the dress can cost $100 and more time consuming alterations go up from there.  Don’t feel that you have to have the alterations done by the store though.  Taking it to a less expensive seamstress can be every bit as nice and not nearly as expensive.

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• Welcome Bag Delivery – Hotels charge a premium for welcome bag delivery.  They won’t even tell you about this upfront and often charge up to $7.  Ask about their policy up front.  If it is too expensive, ask if they will do a delivery at check in instead.

• Rental Transportation – You’d think that for the price your vendor is charging for the chairs (or other rental items), delivery would be included.  But, most often it’s not.  So, check the small print to find out what the rental cost is going to be because this can top $500.

• Taxes – Okay, the government doesn’t “hide” taxes from you, but they do charge it on everything and you may forget to calculate it in.  A wedding cake that costs $1000, will cost you an additional $100 in Los Angeles.  Just keep it in mind.

• Coat Check – If you are planning a winter wedding in July, you may forget that you’ll have to pay for a coat check at the hotel.  Have a good estimation of how many people you’ll be having at the reception and ask the venue planner what the coat check fee will be.

• Gratuities – A “service fee” is NOT a tip.  Don’t underestimate the number of people you’ll need to tip as part of the entire wedding process.

Conclusion

Weddings are expensive.  Unless you go to city hall with a minimum of fan fare, you are going to spend a significant amount of money on the affair.  But, by setting a budget and by being aware of the costs of each individual aspect of the wedding, you can keep the money under control.

Your wedding may be the most important day of your life, but many vendors will prey on the emotional aspect of “getting it right” and “once in a lifetime” to add costs that really aren’t necessary.  Having a plan will help you keep everything in perspective.

Article 3-4 In a Series of Articles on Your Pretty Princess Wedding on a Pauper’s

Wedding Planner

Most wedding planners charge in three ways.  First, there is an upfront fee.  Then there is a percentage of the total budget.  Finally, there is a cut from the vendors for each purchase.  Not all charge all three, but if you decide to have a planner, you should know just how they make their money.

For instance, if they get a cut from vendors, they will probably steer you to their favorite and higher priced ones so that they receive higher commissions. 

Also, if they take a percentage of the total budget, they will always be looking for ways to increase your spending because that increases their own bottom line.

You might decide that you have enough time to plan the wedding yourself and spare the expense of a wedding planner.

If not, consider using a stay at home mom who wouldn’t mind making some extra money as your planner.  Most would be happy to make a few hundred extra dollars.  Stay at home moms know how to cut corners.  They’ll save you money rather than urge you to spend more.  They are also willing to pitch in and make handcrafted wedding favors rather than have you spend the money on professional ones.

The Wedding Dress

In most weddings, the single biggest expense is the wedding dress.  I’m not going to tell you to go cheap on this as this tends to be the part of the wedding that the bride is most attached to.  But, I will offer suggestions that can save you money if you are open to them.

First of all, if you are size 6, 8, or 10 and live in a big city, try going to the Sample Sales that happen about three times a year.  You can often get designer dresses at a fraction of their price.

Another suggestion is to go to BridePower.com where you can get designer dresses at 50 to 75 percent off.  Remember to budget for alterations if you take this route.

Then there are vintage wedding dresses.  Some brides have their mother’s or sister’s wedding dresses altered.  This tradition of “keeping it in the family” can actually enhance the wedding while reducing the bottom line.

If there is no one in the family whose dress you care to wear, you can always buy a used or vintage dress.  Some brides aren’t particularly attached to their dresses and are willing to sell them for not much money.  Vintage dresses are often inexpensive and add character to a wedding.

Another option is to rent a wedding gown.  In many large cities, there are places where you can rent gowns by the week.

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Cakes

There are several ways to save on wedding cakes.

First of all, if you are having your reception at a hotel, ask them whether they make cakes.  Usually they will.  They will taste every bit as good as the bakery you’ve got your eyes on and will look good as well.  Even if the cost is the same, the hotel has an advantage.  Hotels charge a “cutting fee” of $2 to $5 on outside cakes.  If you have 200 guests and the cutting fee is $3.50, that’s $700 in addition to the cost of the cake itself.

Next, consider having a smaller cake.  If you want a “big” cake, have some of the layers be decorated cardboard boxes.  Then, serve your guests from sheet cakes in the back.

When you go to the bakery to inquire about cakes, don’t tell them it is for a wedding upfront.  Get them to commit to a price first.  Everything related to weddings tends to get a price inflation.

Finally, consider the cupcake cake.  These are popular right now and cost significantly less than traditional wedding cakes.

Invitations

Wedding invitations are quite archaic.  They were designed in a time when women left calling cards when they visited neighbors.  They were also designed for a time when there wasn’t technology that allowed people to respond in any way other than mail.

So, the components of an invitation include the invitation itself and its envelope plus a reply card and its envelope.  There may also be a variety of enclosures.

While you want to have a nice invitation because this will be a keepsake for you and for many others, the other portions of the invitation are no longer necessary. 

You’ll save money on the stationary, of course.  You will know that right off the bat.  But what you may not realize initially is that you are cutting your postage cost by a significant amount.  The complicated envelope will fall to under $1 and you won’t have to put return postage on the response envelope (which most people won’t bother to use anyway).

Ask your guests to RSPV by phone, email, or on a dedicated website. 

Eco-Weddings

Most brides these days want to balance their dreams of having a “perfect” wedding with their desire to live in balance with the environment.  But these don’t have to be mutually exclusive.  In fact, when you choose to have an “eco-wedding,” you may actually be able to save quite a bit on the wedding’s bottom line as well.

For instance, when you “think green,” you are going to do some of the things we already talked about like reduce the number of pages in the invitation.

But you’ll also do things like reduce the number of cut flowers decorating the church, choose to give more sensible favors, and cut down on the paper products.  You might also serve a vegetarian entry instead of a meat entry both to show your support for ending factory farming and to save money.

In order to avoid looking “cheap,” you need to integrate the environmental philosophy into every aspect of your wedding.  From invitations made from recycled paper to carbon offsets for the wedding itself, be consistent about the day.

If you have all of the “things” you need, ask your guests to buy a tree in your name from OxFam or TreeGivers. 

Also, consider taking an environmentally friendly honeymoon as well.

Doing these things shows that you care for the earth and that you are not just looking at the bottom line.