Article 4-5 In a Series of Articles on Single Parent Dating Tips

Expect Resistance

You may dream that your kids fall in love with your boyfriend or girlfriend immediately.  But, unless they are very small, they are probably going to resist him or her.

That’s because they see your new love replacing their other parent.

Be patient with your kids.  This is hard for them.

With younger children (under 10), assure them that you are not replacing their other parent.  Tell them that it is okay to love their mom or dad.  Let them know that this new person will never take that place in their life.

Another issue with younger children is that they feel your new love is “stealing” their time.  They won’t want to “share” you with someone else.  Tell them “I love you as much as ever, but sometimes I'm not here when you want me to be. I like to spend time with my friends, just like you do.”

If your kids continue to object to your new love, you should listen to them.  This doesn’t mean that they can nix your relationships.  But, if he or she doesn’t listen to them, doesn’t pay attention to them, or makes them uncomfortable, you should listen.  These may be signs that the relationship won’t work with your family.

Older children and teens are likely to rebel.  They’ll test their limits by pushing back against your new love. 

Handle this by giving them some control over their lives. While they shouldn’t control your dating, getting their input on things that they can have a say in – like whether they’d be more comfortable if your date joined you for dinner at the home or if you all went out together can facilitate their acceptance of your new love.

Ask your kids for a monthly “date” with just you and them.  That will make them feel like they are still special to you.  By phrasing this in terms they’ll identify with, you will allow yourself to grow closer to them.  When you go out on your “date,” do things they want to do.

Remember that you are the parent though.  Ultimately, you are the adult in the house. It’s great that you respect your child’s opinion on the matter, that you’re open about discussing the situation and that you’re trying to keep peace in the home. But, in the end, you are the adult and if you want to date someone and your teen doesn’t like it, that’s just too bad.

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Don’t Turn Your New Partner into a Parent Helper Right Away

Your new partner is a love interest.  You should spend your initial months together in romantic ways.  The most important thing you can do for your relationship during this time is to seal the bond between you.

If you ask him or her to help you in significant ways with the kids, you are imposing an obligation on them that they are not ready to take.  Just as you shouldn’t ask your kids to start treating your love like a parent figure right away, you shouldn’t ask your partner to take on parenting duties.

They may offer to babysit or do minor child chores at first.  You have to decide whether this hurts or helps your relationship.  Remember, the relationship should come before any “assistance” with your kids.

Similarly, you have to factor in how your kids will view this “assistance” from your partner.  You have to give them room to get to know the new person before he or she will be fully accepted by them.

Another note on this topic is that experts almost universally agree that you should not allow your new love to discipline your children at first.  Your partner is a friend, not a parent to them.  If you do ever allow your partner to parent in this way, it should only be after they have become an official step parent through marriage.

In short, your kids are not his or her responsibility until the relationship has been taken to a level where they are part of the “family” in whatever form that takes.

Be Consistent on Sex

One of the things you need to be clear about when you start to date when you have children is the messages you want to be sending your kids about sex. 

Parents have many views about sex.  For instance:

• No premarital sex
• Sex only in committed relationships
• Sex is for adults only

Whatever you are going to tell your kids about sex, you need to practice it yourself.  It’s not enough to tell them to “do as I say not as I do.”  Your children will pick up on any hiprocracy right away.

The next thing you need to do is decide on sleeping arrangements.  Perhaps your love only sleeps over when the kids are on visitation with the other parent.  Or, perhaps you make every night a slumber party.  You need to figure out these things ahead of time so that a last minute hormonal decision doesn’t harm your relationship with your children.

Finally, if you have older kids, you need to think through how you are going to talk to them about sex in light of your new relationship.  Intimate moments are private for a reason, so you shouldn’t let them pry.  But you can also use your own life as a living “teachable moment” for them.

Article 2-3 In a Series of Articles on Single Parent Dating Tips

Where to Find Dates

The scope of dating changes when you have children.  You probably can’t hang out at single’s bars every night like you could before the kids were born.  Some people find it difficult to find someone new when they are finally ready to start dating someone new.

Let all of your friends and acquaintances know that you are interested in meeting new people.  Let them set you up on dates.  When you do this, the man or woman that you see will be aware up front that you have kids.

When you are with your kids, strike up conversations with other eligible parents.  Not all of them will be available, but some will be.  The fact that they understand what life is like with kids is an added plus.

While you may not have the time or energy to go to a lot of single’s events, you may have an hour at the end of the day to visit online dating sites.  Consider joining one or more of these sites.  A general interest site will have some information in the profiles about whether the person is interested in dating people with kids.  More specific sites exist for single parents to meet each other.

When you start actively looking for someone, you will probably be pleasantly surprised at how many people there are to date.

Let Your Date Know About Your Kids

You should let your date know about your kids as soon as possible.  If you wait, they may feel that they have wasted their time if they are not interested in kids.

But, more importantly, you will have wasted your time.  And, for single parents, time is precious.  Don’t think that you can lure someone into loving you and then spring your kids on them after they’ve fallen in love.  It just doesn’t work that way.

Don’t apologize for being a parent.  Your kids are a big part of your life.  You are justifiably proud of your relationship with them. 

If your date expresses any hesitation about your having kids, that’s a good sign that you shouldn’t pursue the relationship.  If he or she seems only tolerant of children, it’s a good sign things won’t work out.

Find out how they feel about having more children and how they see integrating the families upfront as well.

Don’t Parade Dates in Front of Kids

Introducing someone new to your kids should take serious thought.  For instance, having a series of “uncles” come into a child’s life can be very confusing.  It should be a big step to introduce someone to your kids.  It’s taking the relationship up a level.

Before you introduce your kids to a new love, you should be in a committed relationship, envision this person as a potential member of your family, and talk between yourselves about what this means.  Make sure your love is ready to accept the responsibility of being a part of your kids’ lives.

Additionally, before you introduce your new man or woman, really get to know them.  Do a background check if you feel that is important.  When you introduce someone into your family, you make your kids vulnerable to them.  Make sure that the person is not a psycho or a child abuser.  Remember, the only “rule” is that your kids don’t get hurt.

Reassure Your Kids that They Remain Important to You

Realize that when you introduce another person into the “family,” your kids are going to feel threatened by the new person’s presence.  Therefore, you are going to need to reaffirm the children’s centrality to your life.

Tell them that just because you love another man or woman, it doesn’t mean that you love them any less.

Share your enthusiasm about the person you are dating.  Tell your kids why you love him or her. 

Use this opportunity to talk openly about love relationships.  They will later model what you do now, so your reassurance about love is important.

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The First Encounter

When you first introduce your new boyfriend or girlfriend to your children, you may want to tell them he or she is a “friend.”  Let them get used to the person before you up the ante.

You want the first encounter to be fun for everyone.  Don’t plan a big event.  Keep it small and fun.

For instance, go to the park and play on the swings, or for older kids, play Frisbee.  Have a special treat like ice cream from the vendor to make the occasion extra “sweet.”

Keep the occasion short.  Spend an hour or so together. 

It may be best to arrive at a venue in separate cars rather than meet at one house and drive together.  That way, if things blow up (and they might), you can quickly leave.

You are also probably going to be concerned with the impression your children make on your new love.  That’s natural.  But you should let your kids be kids.  You’ll stress them out if you try to make them “perfect” for this occasion.

If you have older kids, this is not the time to have big fights about holey jeans or make up.  Teenagers in particular may “push back” by pushing all of your buttons.  Realize that it is stressful for them to meet an adult figure that may play a role in their lives.

Give your children and your new love space to develop their own relationships.  The bond between them is going to be forged naturally.  You can’t force it. 

You can facilitate it though.  Have family style dates.  Do fun, kid-oriented things together like going ice skating or to a movie that the kids have been dying to see.

But, if your kids are shy or uncomfortable with the new person, don’t push it.  If their relationship with the new person never forms, there is nothing you can do to “make” your kids love the new person.